I am still waiting for my parenting handbook to arrive.  Apparently its been lost in the mail–for eleven years now.  In the meantime, I’m left having to navigate the tricky waters of parenthood without instructions.  Thankfully, I have learned a lot from Biblical principles, the examples of others, and experience.  However, there are still times when I am left wondering, “What do I do now?”  That is when I say a quick prayer for wisdom.  And, often, wisdom will come. A divine delivery arrives from heaven and I will have a creative idea or understanding of a value/principle that needs to be applied.  I love those moments!  I feel a little bit like Super-Mom in them.  Until, of course the next moment comes when I am in need of wisdom.

But, sometimes, I don’t receive the needed wisdom in those moments.  Maybe it is because I didn’t even take the time to ask.  Other times, I just am lacking understanding. I can see different courses of action, but am unsure as to which is the best one to take.  So, I have to simply choose and hope that I am choosing well.  The good news is that in those moments, I can rely on grace.  This is such a relief!  I don’t have to be perfect, because the Lord’s grace covers me–and my children.  What a gift.  The trick of grace, though, is this–it is only accessible when the demand for perfection is absent.  What I mean is, as soon as I demand perfection from myself or my family, grace is no longer welcome.  But, when I recognize that we are all on a journey, doing the best we can, grace is invited and welcome.  Sometimes I will make mistakes.  Sometimes my kids will.  (Sometimes, although rarely, even my spouse will!)  😉  But, that is okay.  Because grace covers us and allows us to navigate those moments–even moments when we choose poorly–together, with love and care for one another.  This allows us to come out of those moments better off.  Not only have our relationships remained intact, but we’ve gained some well earned wisdom for next time!

However, I’ve found that wisdom and grace aren’t quite enough to sustain a house of peace, love and joy.  There is something else that often needs to be added to the mix–mercy.  I am so very, very thankful for mercy.  Sometimes I am in a situation where I don’t know what to do so I do the best I can in the moment.  It is only in hindsight that I can clearly see that I made an error in judgement.  Other times, I know what I should do, but I don’t do it.  I don’t behave according to the value system that guides my life and my home.  For example: I don’t react with patience or I try to control my children rather than teach them, etc.  In those times, it is easy to have guilt and regret.  But, guilt and regret can actually add more damage to a situation.  It brings shame and paralyzes you from making good choices in the future.  What brings healing, relief and life in those moments?  Mercy.  First, receiving it for myself.  Then, releasing in over my home and my kids.  (This often comes in the form of an apology, by the way!)  Once mercy has been received, there is a new start.  A fresh beginning.  A chance to make the right choice.  Who doesn’t need that sometimes?  Not only do I desperately need that as a parent, but what a great example for my kids.  Not only do they not have to be perfect, but they see that even though they don’t make the correct choice at first, they don’t lose the opportunity to do the right thing later.  Mercy is a great thing to have in abundance in your home.

Wisdom, grace and mercy.  These are the things I find myself asking for most often.  Thankfully, they are available in unlimited supply, if only we will ask. 

I had caught my child in a lie.  The only thing was, I couldn’t prove it.  I was frustrated and saddened, and not quite sure of the right way to proceed.  I was contemplating different discipline options as I dialed my husband’s number.  When Jamey answered the phone, I filled him in on what happened. I shared my disappointment over the unfortunate turn of events–and, I’m sure, my concern over what this meant.  (For example: How could my child do such a thing?  Why would they lie to me?  How would they be able to sleep at night?  And, if they could, was that because they were already a hardened criminal and somehow I had been unaware?  Was the next step going to be visiting them in jail?  I’m sure my emotional reaction was not at all greater than the circumstances warranted.)

My husband, however, did not respond the way I anticipated.  Instead of offering his choice for discipline, he said something about how we needed to choose to protect our relationship with our child.  He pointed out that while I may be right, I really didn’t know for sure that our child had lied.  What if I accused them and I was wrong?  What kind of damage would that do?  He advised me to leave it alone, and instead, to protect my heart connection with my child.

I have to be honest, even though I knew he was right, I wasn’t completely comfortable with it.  This did not sit well with my inner “justice meter”.  After all, it is important that my children are honest.  However, as I was wrestling through my emotional response, I remembered something:  A time I was wrongly accused of doing something that I hadn’t done.  It was extremely hurtful and caused much damage in that relationship.

Thankfully, my husband had wisely advised me to avoid a course of action that may have caused a similar wound in my relationship with my child.  And, as time has passed, I have understood more clearly how important it is to make protecting my “heart connection” with my children one of my top priorities.  While the ties that bind our hearts are amazingly strong, they can also be fragile.  And, they aren’t as easy to “retie” as they are to protect.

Please understand, it isn’t that we don’t have a value for integrity in our home.  We place high value on it.  But, valuing integrity doesn’t have to replace a value for relationship.  It isn’t healthy when a parent-child relationship is modeled after “friendship”.  But, it is also not healthy when it is void of genuine love and affection for one another.  Instead, a healthy parent-child relationship is one where there is high value given to training and relationship; teaching and fun; correction and unmerited belief in one another.  And so on.

It is also important to recognize that training our children is not something that happens in a day.  Rather, it is something that happens over the course of our days.  (And, it is something that is much more easily accomplished when our hearts stay connected!)  While it may not be comfortable, this means it is best to have a child that grows to be a person of character because you have always believed and treated them to be one.  That it is best to have a child that comes to you with their confessions because they have grown to care about your heart connection and are acting to protect it.  That it  is best to have a home that operates in faith and hope and love, rather than one that reacts in fear.

Unfortunately, my children are not perfect.  They make mistakes.  Sometimes they choose to do the wrong thing.  Sometimes I catch them, and sometimes they come to me all on their own.  While I am exceedingly proud of each one, our home is definitely a work in progress.  But, that is okay, because our hearts have stayed connected in the process.  It is in that connection we will find the strength we will need to become who we are supposed to be.

I have a confession to make:  I don’t speak “baby” as well as I should.  Our two year old–who, I know, may not technically be a baby anymore–was talking to me the other day and I kept having to look over to Jamey for the translation.  We both laughed about it, commenting about how it would seem that I would be better at this by the time number six came around.  (Maybe I’ll finally get it with number seven?)

The truth is, while I have definitely grown in comfort, confidence and skills as a mother over the years, there are still parts of it that don’t exactly come naturally.  The good news is that being a “natural” mom isn’t a prerequisite for being a mom.  It isn’t even a prerequisite for being a great mom!  Learning that has brought great comfort to me.

Most of us know at least one person who seems to have been born to be a mom.  “Momness” oozes from every pore.  They always seem calm, cool and collected–never tired, impatient, or out of great ideas to fill their children’s days with bliss.  I have a friend like that.  And, I really admire her and sincerely have nothing but positive things to say about her.  But, I will admit, sometimes being around her makes me feel tired.  Maybe you’ve experienced that before?  I realize, however, that I only feel tired around her when I think that my expression of motherhood should look like hers.  I love to get inspiration and ideas from her, but trying to be like her?  Not a good fit for me.

What I realize, however, is that it is not a good fit for my kids either.  The parts of motherhood that do not come “naturally” to me, are not really essential parts of motherhood.  Instead, they are images I’ve picked up over the years of what the ideal mom looks like.  And, I don’t need to be the image of the ideal universal mom.  What I need to be is what I am–the ideal mom for my kids.  My kids were given to me.  The Lord entrusted His precious little ones to me.  If He trusts me, shouldn’t I trust myself?

This doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be purposeful in motherhood.  That is, I do need to make it a top priority of my life.  I need to be intentional in growing in relationship with them.  I need to be creative and consistent in providing them a home of safety and love.  I need to put forth the time and effort to train them and give them the skills and values they need to live happy and successful lives.  And, that isn’t always easy.  But, it is a task I am up to.

I don’t need to be the “ideal” mom.  I don’t need motherhood to come naturally.  I simply need to devote myself to loving my kids well and trust the Lord’s grace to cover my weaknesses.  I will continue to learn and grow as the years pass, but those things that never seem to come easily?  I have confidence that my kids will survive–and even thrive–without them.