This is part three of a series.
We’ve been talking about the value system behind relationships within the family structure–namely, how do help your children to become “best friends”. Here are some practical ways that we purpose to develop (and protect) heart connections in our family: Continue Reading
This is part two in a series.
In my last blog, I mentioned verbally developing a value for your family relationships with your children. This means that you tell them how important the relationships within your family are on a regular basis. I think that this is a key Continue Reading
I want my kids to have deep and rich friendships. I have seen as the Lord has brought people into their lives at just the right time. The joy they have as they have that special sleep over or even simply see that special friend at church brings me great joy, too! However, as much as I amContinue Reading
I was thinking about calling this blog entry “The day of blood and toilet water” because that is what it is about. That pretty much describes my Tuesday. Blood. Toilet water. Sure, there were other things in the mix, but those will always be the events that come to mind. Let me explain…Continue Reading
*Note: This is the second part of my “Garden Series”. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to read the “Special Note” and “The Garden: A place of protection” first, to get the full context. Also, if you are curious, the account of the garden I will reference today is found in Genesis 2:9-14.
When God created an “enclosure” or garden for Adam and Eve, we can assume that it was exactly the way that He wanted it to be.Continue Reading
I am a pastor. And, surprisingly, I rather enjoy it! I very much enjoy the opportunities that I have to speak to our congregation. I enjoy working with the staff at the church. I enjoy the privilege it affords me of being able to be a part of helping to cast vision for what I feel the Lord is doing or saying. And, I even enjoy connecting with the congregation. Yet, when I introduce myself, I don’t introduce myself as “Pastor Nicole”. Instead, I proudly proclaim that I am “Pastor Jamey’s wife”. Why is that?
I will be the first to admit that I still have some unease at the role of pastor. However, that has nothing to do with the title I choose as my main identity. I actually am pretty comfortable and confident in who I am–at least, usually. 
(And, I am growing more and more so all the time.) While there is a lot that I am still learning about myself, I think God did a pretty decent job when He made me, if you don’t mind me saying so. But, there is nothing I am more proud of then being “Pastor Jamey’s wife”. Without any hesitation at all, I think it is the best thing about me. (Being a mom is a close second.)
Admitting the pride I feel in being a wife comes with a lot of baggage in this day and age. Most people assume that it must mean I have low self-esteem, or I don’t understand the value of who I am. Many would say that it is degrading or sexist to find my identity in my marriage. I am certainly displaying old-fashioned (often seen as outdated!) values. In fact, I have had more then one person talk to me about how I introduce myself. They assume that I choose “Pastor Jamey’s wife” over “Pastor Nicole” because of something I lack–confidence, encouragement into really embracing the role of pastor, honor, etc. They don’t see that I have chosen to identify that way because of what I have–a husband who is good, honorable and my best friend. A husband who has made me a better person and in the process truly become a part of me. You see, I don’t think of myself without considering Jamey. Actually, that would be impossible. Is this a weakness? I want to suggest that it is actually the opposite.
Why do I think this? Because of the example my Father has set out for me. Hear me out. God has many names. For example: El Shaddai. Jehovah. Elohim. He is the great I AM. I could go on and on. Why does He have so many different names? Because each name represents an aspect of who He is. And He is a big God–He needs a lot of names to try to catch even a small portion of the reality of who He is!
And, when Jesus came to earth, He came to represent the Father. Everything He did pointed at God. Everything He said reflected the Father’s heart. And what name did He come representing? Father. Jesus came to connect us to our Father. Not God the Creator. Not the God who provides for us. Not the Holy One. God is certainly all those things. Every name He has been given is true. Yet, the one that He wanted us to most identify Him with was the name “Father”. (The same is true of Jesus. There are many aspects of His identity. He has many names. Yet, His main identity is from His role as Son.)
Identifying yourself in relation to your role with others is not a weakness. My Father taught me that. When He identifies Himself as Father, it doesn’t make any of the other aspects of His identity less. It doesn’t change or dishonor His other names. In fact, I think it enhances them! The same is true for me. The fact that I am a wife does not make my life less. It makes it so much more! Covenant relationship is something that has its roots in heavenly places. It is the greatest joy that I have had a privilege of joining in. Learning to love my husband–really love him–has been the greatest joy, challenge and honor of my life. There is nothing else I will ever do that will be so amazing, life-changing or difficult. There is also nothing else that holds such great reward and promise. Being a spouse isn’t something you do, it is something you are.
That is why, if you visit our church and hear me speak, you will probably hear me introduce myself as “Pastor Jamey’s wife”. It is more then a role I fulfill, it is a part of who I am. So, instead of clucking and shaking your head, I hope you will join me in celebrating it.
*If you haven’t read the special note yet, it may be helpful to do so before you read this blog entry.
The basis for the core values of our family start at the very beginning. No, not when Jamey and I were married on that blissful day fifteen years ago. Not even when we first “went out” in Jr. High. Before then. I’m talking waaaayyyyyyy back…all the way back to the Garden. You know the one–the one in the East, in Eden.Continue Reading
*If you haven’t read the special note yet, it may be helpful to do so before you read this blog entry.
The basis for the core values of our family start at the very beginning. No, not when Jamey and I were married on that blissful day fifteen years ago. Not even when we first “went out” in Jr. High. Before then. I’m talking waaaayyyyyyy back…all the way back to the Garden. You know the one–the one in the East, in Eden.
In the very beginning, when the world was brand new, we see a blueprint for a world of possibilities. It was a good world. There was nothing bad in it. It was the way things were supposed to be. There was no lack, no pain, no confusion. It was all good. Looking at it, I can see the type of world I was created for. The type of world that my spirit longs for. What better place to start?
If you aren’t familiar with the story, it’s okay. I’ll recap. In the beginning, the Bible tells us that God created man and then he placed him in a garden. I’ve done some research on the topic. (It always fascinates me to study the Bible. I love reading different translations, learning about the culture of the day, going back to the original language, etc. All of those things can really add to your understanding!) In this case, what I discovered was remarkable. What the Bible means when it says that God put man in a garden is: God put man in a garden. (It could also say: God put man in an enclosure, a garden.) Wow! Doesn’t that bring revelation. Exciting stuff, the Bible!
If you stop and think about it, though, it is actually pretty amazing. Here we have a brand new world where everything was good–and still, God chose to create a garden for man. A special place for him to live in. Wasn’t a good world good enough? Apparently not. God didn’t want man to just be in a good place. He wanted man to have a place that was…well, home. A place separated from the rest of the world (even the good world). A place of safety, freedom and protection.
What in the world doest that teach me about my core values? Well, it shows me that it is important to have a place to call home. A place to think of as yours. If, in a good world that is important, well, how much more important is that in a world that is sometimes…not good? Haven’t you ever had a day when you felt weary or beat up and just couldn’t wait to get home? What about a day of celebration? Does it feel complete until it is shared and celebrated at home?
I love being home. I’m not lying when I say that it is my favorite place to be in the whole world. I love that there is a place that feels comfortable, safe. I love that it is a place of laughter and joy. I love that I feel peace and encouragement and hope within its walls. I have had many a day when I couldn’t wait to just get home!
Have you ever felt like that? How much more so, then, do you think that is important for our children? These sweet, innocent ones that are still figuring so much of life out. Shouldn’t they have a “garden”? A place of protection. A place where their triumphs are celebrated and their tragedies are somehow not quite as bad. A place of peace and a lot of laughter. A place of unconditional love–and even like. (Because, after all you can love someone without liking them. A real triumph is to genuinely “like” all of those that you love!) I love that my home is a place of just the right mixture of structure and crazy–at least, usually.
What says home to you? What does it look like to have a place of protection? A place of belonging? What atmosphere do you want your home to have? Over the next couple days, take some time to really think about the answers to those questions. Dream about them. Pray about them. Knowing them on the inside is the first step to creating them on the outside.
Happy dreaming!
When I was a young adult, I lived at home for a time while I was working at a church nearby. (I don’t remember if the story I am about to tell happened shortly before Jamey and I were married, or if it was while he was in Korea. Not that it matters to anyone but me. The point is simply that I was an “adult” of sorts.) One day I came home to have my dad share a story from his day. It went something like this:
I was out on a bike ride and when I was a good distance away from home, I had trouble with my bike. [I think it was a flat tire?] After much hardship, I was finally nearing home. [I get a little of my humor and dramatics from my dad, so he would have gone into hilarious detail about the hardship he had faced.] I was exhausted from the heat and exertion required to make it back on my broken bike, then suddenly I saw a beautiful sight. A familiar car approaching…my savior, coming to bring me the rest of the way home! The car passed me by, but I knew that was okay. Surely it is just going to turn around to pull up behind me. Except, wait….the car just kept going. And going. And going. Never to come back for me. But, don’t worry. I eventually made it back home before death got me. Even though that blue toyota corolla just kept going and going….
Have you figured out that I was the driver of the car that passed my dad by? The sad thing is that while it kind of registered to me that there was a biker walking his bike on the side of the road, I didn’t have any idea that it was someone with a broken bike. I didn’t have any idea that it was someone in need–much less, my own father! (And, no, I still haven’t lived this down!) I had been on my way to work, in my own little world, not really thinking about anyone else. Because of that, the opportunity to help out someone that I loved completely passed me by. Worse yet, no one did stop to help my dad, so he had to get back to the house on his own. (Thankfully, this was more of an inconvenience then anything as he wasn’t injured.) Having known my father my whole life, there was no reason why I shouldn’t have recognized him! And, I would have, had I simply been paying closer attention to those around me.
I thought about that the other day because I am hoping that I learned a lesson from it. You see, I have entered into a very busy season. I have so much on my “to do” list, that it is quite impossible to get everything done! While I have been trying to make sure that I keep the “important things” at the top of the list–does that even matter if I am not present while I am doing them?
My children are depending on me to recognize where they are at, what needs they have, what is going on around me. And, while I am not an invincible superhero who can do everything, I also can’t use that as an excuse to be oblivious to what is going on around me. I may not be able to meet every need, but I can make sure that my children know I am engaged when I am with them. I can be sure that I am aware of what is happening in their lives, and respond appropriately. This can sometimes be one of the most challenging, and yet easiest things to do.
Why is it challenging? Because it means that you have to stop thinking about…well, yourself. Stop thinking about that “to do” list, the challenges facing you at work, the demands other relationships are placing on you, etc. Purpose to put all of that out of your mind. (And, certainly, put that phone / computer / work away for a bit! It will be there when you come back!)
Why is it easy? Because it actually doesn’t take that much time or effort. Putting everything aside so you can read a story or play a game with your child doesn’t demand very much from you. Taking extra time to tuck them in, catch up on their day, ask questions (and really listen to the answers!) about things that are happening with them, is not asking for a lot. And, once you do it, you will find that your heart gets filled up just like theirs does!
Far too often people wondered what happened in their relationship with their child[ren], looking for some huge cataclysmic event, when the reality was that there were far too few “small” moments of actual heart engagement. It can be so easy to get busy and caught up in the “tyranny of the urgent”. The good news is that it is just as easy to make the choice to step away from it.
I did that tonight. I had a busy day and a hundred things still to do. So, do you know what I did? After dinner, I laid on the floor while Reegan crawled all over me and read Chapter Two in Mandie and the Cherokee Legend with the all the kids. Do you know what? Nothing got crossed off of my “to do” list tonight. And, that is okay.
If you haven’t lately, I hope you very soon have a night where nothing gets done on your list either. May our children always feel noticed, loved and like they are at the top of our lists!
I used to be a dog person. When Jamey and I lived in Germany we got a chow-chow. We named her Shatzi. (Our own spin on the german word “schatz” or “schatzi” which means “treasure” or a term of endearment like “darling”.) Not only was she a completely adorable puppy, as she grew she was a great watch-dog. Jamey would be on deployments and I would be home alone for weeks at a time–except I wasn’t alone. Shatzi was with me. It was very comforting to me to have her around. We went on walks together. I could cuddle with her if I was feeling lonely. (Although, I had to get down on the floor to do that. There was a rule that she was not allowed to be on any of the furniture. I tried to get her to break it when Jamey was gone, but it was of no use. If I put her on the bed or couch, she would lay there completely tense. She was uncomfortable and guilt-ridden over breaking the rules, even though I tried to assure her that Jamey would never know! So, I soon relented and let her off so she could not have her conscience defiled.) I especially liked the feeling of protection she gave me during the nights. The unconditional love of a dog can be a pretty amazing thing. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like, how bad your day has been, the state of your life–with very minimal effort on your part, a dog will love you forever. That can be almost magical.
I have found, however, something even better. The love of a child. The love of a child is unconditional too. But, it demands much more of you. Their purity, the genuineness of their love, the possibilities of the future–all of this mix together in such a way, that in the best of circumstances, it transforms you. When you look into the eyes of your child, you tend to see yourself. Something about their purity, restores yours. When you see the endless possibilities stretched out before a brand new life, your own life is reflected in them. What kind of life will they lead? Many of the most important answers of that question are determined in who you are. The great thing about a child’s unconditional love is the desire that it brings to be worthy of that love.
And there is good news. This isn’t hard work. Being transformed by the love of a child is easy. It isn’t about making a list of who you have to be. It isn’t about striving to do these things or stop doing those things. Instead, it is about being lost in love. It is about letting your actions flow from love, naturally.
Don’t get me wrong, there are things about parenthood that are demanding–exhausting, even. However, it isn’t overwhelming…unless. Unless you stop working from love. You see, when you work from love, then effort becomes a privilege. Having the opportunity to be such an important part of the life of such an amazing, miraculous person is among the highest honor that you can dream of. You wouldn’t trade it for anything. It isn’t a chore to grumble about, but rather a journey to be cherished!
Let me try to explain. When my son was very young, one day I saw a clear image of him as a young man. The picture may have only existed in my heart, but it was clear as day. I can still vividly see it. He is probably about seventeen years old. I can see the royal blue color of his pants, the purity in his eyes, the kindness in the half-smile on his face. I could sense the confident swagger with which he carried himself. I know that the Lord gave me this picture as a treasure. (And, while I have been “unpacking” the gift of this image for years, I know there is yet more for me to discover about it.) Even as I write this, picturing this image almost overwhelms me with emotion. This image carries so much weight in my heart. Why? Because it has given me a glimpse of the great value of my son. He isn’t just a little–or, not so little, now–boy. He is a boy with the seeds of amazing, endless possibilities inside of him. He is a man with a great call of destiny on his life, he just isn’t quite there yet. And it is my job to help him get there!
You see, my son’s greatest destiny does not lie in me being his mom. So, when I look at him, I can’t afford to see him only in terms of my life. I have to see beyond that. And, when I manage to get even a glimpse of that, my heart is flooded with such protective, fierce love. It is filled with awe that I got chosen to train, equip and love him. Suddenly, the effort of being his mother takes….well, less effort. My love for him overwhelms me in such a way that it colors every part of my life with him. And, suddenly, I am changed. Because that is what real love does.
So, today, don’t get stuck in the effort of parenting. Take a moment–even if it means something else must wait–and spend a moment (or two or three) recapturing your love for your child. Spend time with them in a way that maximizes their awesomeness. Laugh with them. Appreciate their beauty. Take a moment to be fascinated by the things that fascinate them. Fall in love with them. When you do this, you will find that the “chore” of being their parent is lighter, more hopeful and filled with joy. Do this each day, and soon, you will find your life, your child[ren] and your home forever changed by love.