On our last family day, we went to Minnehaha Falls and rented a pedal car (or surrey). It was so much fun. I laughed a lot. This wasn’t necessarily a good thing, as it is hard to pedal when you are laughing! And, let’s just say that our kids aren’t quite at the age to really pull their weight yet. But, all in all it was a great day!
Jamey and I were seated in the two front spots with the steering wheels. Except that my wheel didn’t really do anything. Yet, I kept finding myself steering. I couldn’t help it. It was my natural instinct. If I am honest, it made me a little uneasy that my steering wheel didn’t really steer. And, it isn’t that I don’t trust my husband. I will readily admit that he is a better driver than I am. It’s just that it feels better to be in control. Or at least feel like you are.
My “Steering” Wheel :)
As I was sitting there “steering” I realized just how applicable my predicament was to life. Life feels better when we are in control. The truth, however, is that control is usually a myth. Sure, we have a steering wheel, but it doesn’t actually do anything. No where is this more true than in family life.
As a parent I have a responsibility to train my children. I need to teach them values as well as practical helps to guide them through life. There is danger, however, if I pretend that training them is the same thing as controlling them. (Obviously age and other factors play into the amount and timing of freedom offered to a child.) What’s the difference between training and control? Training is relational. It is intentional, but it happens as you are relationally connecting with your children throughout life. As you train your child, you release them. Control is about using force to get desired results. Force doesn’t have to be physical in nature, either. It can be through manipulation, instruction or simply the lack of freedom. As a parent it may feel better to pretend to be in control. But, it is always an illusion and it never leads to good fruit.
Control is usually our default when we are tired or distracted. We do it when we are disengaged, or quite frankly haven’t taken the time to properly train our children. The good news is that the way out of control is actually quite simple. Purposely engage your kids. Take time to teach them and relationally connect with them throughout daily life. It may take more foresight and effort, but it will be worth it. Not only will it produce good fruit, but it will create a healthy home filled with peace and joy.