This is part three of a series. 

We’ve been talking about the value system behind relationships within the family structure–namely, how do help your children to become “best friends”.  Here are some practical ways that we purpose to develop (and protect) heart connections in our family: 

We have family traditions. Traditions don’t have to be big things, they can be small.  But they are important.  Why?  Because they give a family a sense of security and belonging and identity.  They give common ground.  An example of a “big” thing?  Going on vacation (or in our case, a “stay-cation”) every summer.  An example of a “small” tradition?  Making a puzzle each New Year’s Eve (a tradition I grew up with).  It doesn’t matter the tradition as long as it fits with your values and is consistent.

We create reason for affection between our kids.  In other words, we find ways for them to have to think of each other and treat each other well.  For example, at Christmas we always have a “secret santa” between the kids.  It is so fun to see them thinking about what perfect thing they want to give to whoever they got.  As their hearts are engaged in giving to each other, it fuels their feelings of affection.

We have a weekly family day. Every Monday is our “Family Day”.  (Weekends are work days around here, so we had to come up with an alternative.)  Occasionally things come up on a Monday that can’t be avoided, but that is the rare exception.  We really protect our time together.  Sometimes we do grand adventures out on this day (especially in the summer), but often we simply stay home and play games together.

We include our children into a larger “family” dynamic. Our kids spend time regularly with grandparents and cousins.  And, we also have a group of young adults that have kind of been “adopted” into our family.  They usually are at our home once or twice a week for our weekly dinner and game night, or after church lunch.  Not only do Jamey and I love them and love having them around, but they have become “family” to our children as well.  And this brings another level of life and love and security to our home.

We make time for fun.  Our life is very full.  That means our days are busy!  Homeschool, church life, the day to day “chores” of home life.  However, we are never so busy that we don’t have time to simply relax and have fun.  The kids spend much time playing together (some of that time includes parents, some doesn’t).  Time together is important for relationships to be maintained and grow!  And, I think it is a mixture of quality and quantity time that is needed.  Therefore, our children get both.

We paint pictures of the future.  We dream about and ponder what life will be like as the children grow.  As we do, always included is our connection with one another.  It isn’t that we dream about the kids growing up and living in our home together, unable to do anything without one another.  I’m not talking about an unhealthy dysfunction.  Our kids are amazing and I fully expect them to have some grand adventures!  However, that doesn’t mean that we will leave one another behind.  It means that we will always have a safe place to go from and return to.  People to partner with us, and so on.  Our lives are entwined and so our are hearts.  That isn’t ever going to change, although it will look different in different season.

Nightly Family Dinners  It is rare the night that we don’t have dinner together.  (And, often when that is not possible we make sure to all sit down to breakfast together!)  And, at dinner we make sure to connect.  A simple way we do this is by asking the following questions:  What was the most challenging part of your day? What was your favorite part of your day?  We have found that these two questions make for some great conversations and connections.

Unexpected Fun Days  There is nothing more exciting then blowing off your regular schedule and having an unexpected day at Nickelodeon Universe or the beach or some other beloved destination!  (Obviously, this can’t be a regular occurrence.  That wouldn’t work for life and then it would actually destroy the main point–the “unexpected” part of it.)  It is so fun to see kids excited about a surprise journey together.

We are silly together  We have a value for laughter in our home, and along with this is the ability to laugh at ourselves.  (You do need to make sure no one feels laughed at, however.) Being able to be silly and goofy strips off self-consciousness and creates such a valuable bond.  Being able to be completely yourself and vulnerable in your home is so important for genuine relationships to form and grow.

We teach a value for differences  Our home is so much richer and more fun because we aren’t all exactly alike.  However, while you are growing up differences can be a source of insecurity.  Why are they like that and I’m like this?  Giving a value to the differences helps our kids have genuine affection and freedom in their relationships.

We are one another’s biggest cheerleaders, one’s success is all’s success. Removing competition from sibling relationships is key to being able to maintain positive relationships between them.

We share rooms  With six children, this is somewhat out of necessity.  However, we do have an office/guest room that could be made into one of the kid’s bedrooms.  But, it won’t be.  In our dream home the rooms may be a little larger, but not greater in number.  The shared rooms give our kids a sense of unity.  I love to hear my girls chattering away at bedtime (not for too long, though!) or playing together upon waking-up.  (The one exception is our son.  He gets a room of his own, but only because he is the only boy!)

These are some things that work for our family, they may not all be a great fit for yours. But, hopefully they will inspire you to be intentional about what does fit with your family.  Remember, this is a journey–and some days will be better than others.  But, don’t give up!  Your children will thank you.