This is part two in a series.

In my last blog, I mentioned verbally developing a value for your family relationships with your children.  This means that you tell them how important the relationships within your family are on a regular basis.  I think that this is a key to your children valuing their relationships with one another.  However, it isn’t enough to use words.  Your life has to match what up with your value system–or at least be on the pathway toward it.

So, the first “practical” suggestion I have for causing the relationships between your children to flourish is also going to be the hardest and most abstract. It is this: make sure your life is “scheduled” with your value system in mind.  What do I mean by this?  I mean that your children are not going to flourish in relationship with one another if they are too busy to develop or maintain connection.  What does this look like in our family?

We homeschool.  I know that there can be a lot of passions and reasons (and sometimes defensiveness) around this topic.  So, for the record, let me say:  I don’t think every family needs to homeschool.  I also don’t think that homeschooling with primary motives being “anti” is usually all that healthy either.  (For example:  I am anti-public school, so I am going to homeschool, etc.)  I also don’t want to make it seem as though there is only one reason why we made the decision to homeschool.  What I will say is that the primary reason we homeschool is to protect the connection between our family.  Because of the nature of our life, our weekends are very busy.  If we didn’t homeschool, our time with our children would be very little.  Also, their time with one another would be less and less.  The peers at their schools would gradually become the most consistent voices in their lives, and thus, the relationships of primary importance and influence. Because my value system is contrary to that, homeschooling is a great way for us to stay together as a family and grow in relationship.  Within the context of homeschool, I have the children do projects together, read to one another, play together, etc.  They spend time together and that time gives them common ground, shared memories and room to grow in relationship.

So, what if homeschooling isn’t practical for your family–or just isn’t your cup of tea?  Well, that’s okay.  There can be healthy, happy relationships in non-homeschooling families, too!  However, you have to be very intentional about the time outside of school hours.  When time gets filled up with sports and other extra-curricular activities, family time (and thus connection) suffer.  I think the whole “it doesn’t matter the quantity of time you spend as long as it is quality time” thing is a myth. In order for a relationship to affect your daily life, you have to have regular time together.

So–and this is the hard part–I’ve discovered that one of the best skills I can develop for the health of my family is the ability to say “no”.  There are a lot of things that compete for a family’s time and affection.  And, most of them are good things.  Sports, sleepovers, music classes, summer camp, and so on and so on.  But, even good things can have a detrimental affect on family life.  Does that mean we never do those things?  No.  But, we fit them into our lives, rather than having our lives fit in around them.

Life is a series of choices.  Very often, the choices aren’t black and white but rather gray.  That is, they aren’t between good and bad things, but between good and good things.  This is never more clear than when it comes to parenting.  Being clear about what I’m trying to build in my family helps me to know that when I am saying no to a good thing, it is because I am saying yes to something better.

My next post will give you “easier” practical tips, I promise.  But, I encourage you this week to think about what the priorities are for your family.  What are the most important values you want your children to grow up with?  If their relationship is toward the top of the list, I encourage you to take note of how you spend your time and what opportunities they have to foster that relationship.

After doing that you will know if the word “no” is a needed tool to practice and grow skillful at using (unapologetically, I might add!) for the health and growth of your family.