I was not one of those women who dreamed about being a mother.  I didn’t have a natural love for babies or the funny things that kids say.  I didn’t dislike children, but I didn’t envision them in my life.  After I was married I had the vague thought that probably one day we would have a child, but that was simply because I figured that was part of the process of “growing up”.  I never would have imagined being the mother of six!  Even more, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to see the great joy that motherhood has brought to my life.  And, for that, I am truly grateful.

I won’t go into all the details right now–although I reserve the right to do so at another time–but becoming a mom was a step of faith for me.  I felt the Lord leading me in a direction, so I followed Him.  On the journey I began to see that this whole motherhood thing may not be completely terrible, but I was some time before I became convinced that it was actually a good idea.  And, the whole time I was beginning the journey I was certain that I did not know what I was doing.  I remember sitting with my husband on the couch one night during my first pregnancy.  I had come to the point of joy at being pregnant, but then I was struck with a terrible thought: I wouldn’t stay pregnant forever!  (That meant first of all, that I would have to give birth!  Aghhh!  Talk about fear!)  It also meant that someday I would have a baby.  A real, live, baby.  I suddenly realized that this was a problem for me.  I had no idea what to do with a baby!  And, this baby would be my responsibility–forever!  Aghhhh!  As I shared this fear with my husband, his answer was, well…not quite the reassurance I was looking for.  We quickly realized that neither of us were prepared, equipped or experienced with babies.  The thing about pregnancy, though, as you may know, is that there is no going back.  You can’t change your mind.  So, we were stuck.  I was going to have to position myself to learn from those who did know.  I was going to have to trust that the Lord would equip me for the challenge that was ahead.

And, this was a very, very good thing.  Because I didn’t know what I was doing, I was open to learning.  I was hungry for every word the Lord spoke to me about it.  I was teachable, gleaning from the knowledge of others.  And, soon after this time, my husband (who was in the Air Force at the time) was stationed in North Carolina where we spent a year at a church that had the most amazing families and teaching on parenting that I have seen to this day.  Jamey and I absorbed everything that we could.  We were like sponges.  We kind of got adopted by a family with eight children and they gave us an idea of what our own family could, and should, be like.  It was an amazing year!  My life will be forever changed because of it.  (Jamey’s too!  And, our children’s, their children’s, etc.  In fact, everyone who is a part of our church are affected by that year, too.  Amazing what fruit comes from being where God wants you to be!)

Looking back, I realize that if I hadn’t had the openness to learn, I could have spent the same year in the same place and walked away having learned hardly anything.  Because when you think you know something, you don’t really open yourself up to learning it again.  During this year, I also began to dream about what my family would be like.  Except, it never felt like a dream that belonged to me.  You see, I began to understand how amazing it was to be a mother.  And, I was just so thankful that the Lord hadn’t allowed me to miss it.  (My heart is overcome with thankfulness about that to this day!)  I feel as though my family is something the Lord and I are doing together.  I know He brought me into it, and I see many of the reasons for it, but I feel like there are dreams in His heart about it, too.  That has prevented me from “owning” the dream and process and experience completely by myself.  And, practically speaking, that has kept my journey full of joy.

How?  Because I didn’t go into motherhood with expectations of  how it was going to be.  I didn’t go into it to have my dreams fulfilled.  Instead, I went into it understanding that it was part of my calling, part of the journey the Lord brought me to and that it was a very good thing and a very big responsibility.  I also knew that I could never do it on my own.  Instead, I would have to trust Him.  I think because of this, some of the hard parts of motherhood don’t feel as hard to me.  Not that it is all easy, trust me! However, when I come to a big bump that I’m not equipped for, that’s okay.  Because I haven’t been equipped for any of it on my own.  He’s had to teach me and train me and give me strength.  So, in those circumstances, He simply has to do that again.

Also, I think it has kept my heart more open to joy.  I often realize that I wouldn’t be experiencing any of this, had it not been for the goodness and kindness of my heavenly Father, who wouldn’t let me miss out.  For that reason, my heart is filled with such joy and thanksgiving that I don’t take many “little things” for granted on this journey.

Just writing this out makes me want to go and squeeze my little (and not so little) ones and it makes my heart sing with thanksgiving to my good Papa.  I hope that reading it does the same in your heart.  May your week be filled with renewed joy and hope at this amazing journey of motherhood!